A Father's Thoughts

Celebrate everyone's radical uniqueness

This is my article published in the Spectrum on April 17, 2012

Marilynne Robinson, novelist and essayist won the 2005 Pulitzer Prize for Fiction for her second novel Gilead. Her most recent book, When I Was a Child I Read Books, is a collection of essays to which she brings her life experience, her intelligence, and her profound religious understanding and faith. Much of her language resonated with me as I responded to her eloquent articulation and clarification of ideas.

Robinson grabbed my attention in the preface quoting Walt Whitman honoring the “radical uniqueness” of each individual; a uniqueness and complexity that we obscure by assigning ideologically based labels that simplify or categorize ourselves and others, e.g., conservative/liberal, Republican/Democrat, rich/poor and so forth. This reductionism threatens the core of our democracy as what passes for public discourse loses “the character of generosity, and the largeness of spirit that has created and supported the best of our institutions”.

At the center of this collection is her essay, When I Was a Child, in which she writes very personally of growing up in the West. Robinson learned of an individualism, devoid of ideological self-interest, that empowers each person to contribute to the diversity and wholeness of the community, a community that validates and honors its members.

In the first essay, Freedom of Thought, she encourages us to push against the limitations and constraints too often found in our religions, our education, and our economically driven society and to expand our thinking while exploring the mysteries of the sacred, the opportunities we have to love, and the beauty in our world.

Robinson cites multiple passages from the Bible unambiguously admonishing us to care for the poor with a spirit of generosity and gratitude. How do we view the poor among us? She notes that today we hear harsh judgments of the plight of poor and a growing resistance to providing help that is consistent with the message of Jesus.

Robinson writes of the essential nature of gratitude. It is “more stabilizing, more gratifying in every way, especially in dark times” and in spite of our contemporary challenges, she argues that we have much to be grateful for living in a nation blessed by God.

As I write I am aware that I may be guilty of that which Robinson argues against by simplifying the beautiful and the wondrous complexity of her work.

She writes of the importance of “imaginative love” for those other than our family in a healthy community, the role of ideology in capitalism and austerity, the fate of ideas, the understanding of human nature, the complexity of the human brain, and much more.

The scope of her essays extends well beyond what I can address in this short column. These few ideas may provide a taste or sip of the richness within this artful book.

Some books amply reward the time and thought spent reading and pondering. This is one.

George Stoddard is an Ivins resident and a member of The Spectrum & Daily News Writers Group. His email is gstoddard1@me.com

 

 

The Maraschino Cherry

This is an essay I wrote a few years ago narrating one experience during my work as a counselor intern in Atlanta Georgia.

Every time I eat a chocolate cake with cherries, I think of Robert. I met Robert in 1994 while working as a mental health intern providing counseling services and support to those who were either infected with the virus that causes AIDS or who were diagnosed with AIDS.

My interest in learning about AIDS began in November of 1991 when my daughter Cindy telephoned and said “Dad, I have AIDS.” In what Joan Didion describes as an ordinary moment when life changes, my life changed forever.  At the time, I was 55 years old, committed to beginning a new career, and a student in college studying psychology. After recovering from the distress and anguish that Cindy’s disclosure caused, I immersed myself in an effort to learn as much as I could about the disease. I welcomed the opportunity in 1994 to participate in an internship in Atlanta with Positive Impact, an agency providing mental health services to the HIV/AIDS community. I had faith that if I helped someone in Georgia, someone would help my daughter in Utah

Robert, a forty-two year old man living with Walter, his partner of a few years, was an early client during that internship. While Robert lived openly as a gay man for much of his adult life, Walter, a retired college professor, had foregone any open or serious intimate relationships until after completing his career. Neither of them was aware of Robert’s HIV status until Robert became ill.

Our early meetings took place in the agency counseling offices and then were continued in their home and eventually in the hospital as Robert’s health deteriorated. As we worked together over the months in this heavy emotionally laden atmosphere, gradually a meaningful three way therapeutic relationship developed.       

The treatment priority was to help Robert as he moved toward death experiencing many of the feelings described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her landmark work, On Death and Dying. Since this was before the development of medications that transformed this illness into a more chronic disease thus prolonging the lives of those carrying the virus, there was a feeling of inevitability about Robert’s prognosis. We addressed many personal issues, not the least of which was Robert’s concern about his eternal well being and his relationship with God. He felt an affinity for the Catholic Church but was conflicted about the Church teachings regarding homosexuality. He also hungered for the acceptance from his family that they never offered him as a gay man.

Robert was grateful for the love and support he received from Walter, and over the weeks and months Robert gradually reached some resolution of his conflicts and moved toward a position of acceptance of his situation. On more than one occasion he had the wisdom and kindness to tolerate this beginning therapist’s awkwardness and even clumsiness. Belying the seriousness of his situation, he often displayed a sense of humor, allowing us to laugh at each other as we shared these few steps of our life’s journey. Of the many gifts Robert gave me, one was to permit me to be a witness to his courage, his vulnerability, and the strength of his human spirit, particularly during our last session together before his death.

By this time, the disease had taken its toll. Robert was in the hospital, sleeping lightly in his bed, when I arrived for our regular weekly session. He slowly woke as I entered his room and we chatted briefly about the day’s events, his physical weakness obvious. While lying on his back he would lift his knee in an attempt to ease the pain and find some comfort. Just the act of bending that knee was an exertion.

While we talked, an aide came in with a white bag containing a piece of maraschino cherry chocolate cake tightly encased in Saran wrap. Being the helper I was, I began to take the cake out of the bag with the intent of feeding him. Robert, as emphatically as his condition allowed, let me know he didn’t want my help. I gave him the bag and over the next 20 or 30 minutes he removed the cake from the bag and with great effort struggled to loosen the tightly clinging Saran wrap. As the cake became accessible he would break off little pieces and lift them to his mouth. Robert created a glorious mess as chocolate crumbs scattered over the previously white and spotless sheets and floor.

 While eating, Robert occasionally bit into a succulent maraschino cherry, a smile spreading across his face, his lips glistening as traces of juice from the cherry escaped his mouth. He savored the sweet flavor and moisture of the cherry pausing to enjoy the happiness and near joy he found in that precious moment! After resting to regain his strength, he continued his heroic task.

When finished, Robert lay back exhausted and fell into a light sleep. After I quietly cleaned up his bed, I held his hand for a few moments. Our visiting time up, I tapped him lightly on the shoulder and softly announced that I was leaving. He opened his eyes, looked intently into mine, smiled, and squeezed my hand affectionately. In a moment, reminiscent of the moment that I had during my last meeting with my terminally ill father years earlier, our eyes and our touch conveyed what I understood to be our last goodbye.        

 

Helping kids today pays dividends in the future

This is a column that appeared in my local newspaper The Spectrum on February 21.

In my last column I wrote about the vulnerability of the poor in these difficult economic times. Poverty rates have been increasing and today one in four children live at or below the poverty line in our country.

Debbie Justice, Executive Director of The Learning Center for Families (www.tlc4families.org/), responded to my article and invited me to tour the St. George facility of her organization. She frames her programs as workforce development programs to help the children “grow up to be productive and engaged citizens.”

I share with David Brooks, author and New York Times columnist, a passionate interest in human development and neuroscience. I am concerned about the seeming disconnect between what we understand about the pre and postnatal needs of infants and young children and the resources available to address those needs. Recently Brooks cited how early childhood education and development or lack thereof hugely effects later years in life. He bemoans the fact that nationally nobody seems to want to do anything about it. There is no debate on this issue during our perpetual political campaigns. He notes that the lobbying guns in Washington and the prestige is focused on K-12 and higher education.

Because of my previous work as a psychotherapist and in my role as a father and grandfather, I am profoundly aware of the criticality of adequate nutrition and active human and social interaction to healthy brain development. The American Academy of Pediatricians recently reported on the evidence of the link between childhood toxic stress and other deficiencies in the family and social environment during early life and lifelong impairments in learning, behavior, and both physical and mental health.

Because of the dedicated work of The Learning Center for Families and the support it receives from government and community resources, many young children conceived and born in challenging circumstances will have the opportunity to experience an enriching and healthy support system.

Family services can begin before and during pregnancy and continue for the first three years of life. The Center’s most recent annual report cites The Early Intervention Program that identities children who are “showing any kind of early developmental delay such as Down Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy or extreme prematurity.” The early intervention team of professionals and other staff members work with each family individually, structuring a program to meet that family’s specific needs.

The Early Head Start Program “is a comprehensive family development program that promotes the physical, cognitive, social and emotional growth of infants and toddlers while assisting their parents in achieving greater degrees of self sufficiency.”

I ended my tour heartened by the obvious commitment of so many focusing on the needs of young children and their families, but as with other social support programs, there is a bulging wait list of those needing these services.

As Frederick Douglas wrote in the 19^th century “It is easier to build strong children than repair broken men.”

 

 

Can we believe in helping the poor

This was my column for the writers' group in the Spectrum on January 24, 2012   

Last week I attended a ceremony at the St. George Tabernacle celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. Day helping me to reflect again on the life of Reverend King and the impact he had during the nation’s struggle to expand civil rights to the African-American community and the effort he was beginning, shortly before his tragic assassination, to bring attention to the plight of the poor.

More than forty years ago, along with the Southern Christian Leadership Convention, Dr. King was planning to dramatize the needs of the poor and bring national attention to jobs, income, and housing. He recognized the negative impact that long-term poverty has on the human soul. At the time, he felt that Congress was showing “hostility to the poor.”

Are we hearing voices of hostility to the poor today in this election year as attacks on “entitlements” are made by the same politicians who are intent on protecting the inordinate financial gains of the “job creators” from even the smallest of tax increases?

A recent study by Indiana University’s School of Public and Environmental Affairs titled At Risk: America’s Poor During and After the Great Recession focuses on the impact of the Great Recession on poverty in America. The full report can be found at: http://www.indiana.edu/~spea/pubs/white_paper_at_risk.pdf

Briefly the researchers found: “The Great Recession has left behind the largest number of long-term unemployed people since the records were first kept in 1948.” “Large numbers of Americans are already poor.” In 2010 about 46.2 million Americans or about 15.1% were living in poverty, the number having increased 27% between 2006 and 2010.

Other data show that the devastating impact of the financial decline has not been spread evenly throughout the economy. The net worth of white households has decreased by 16% while African-American and Latino household net worth dropped 53% and 66% respectively. The unemployment statistics show similar disparities with the official unemployment in Black communities approaching 20%.

The executive summary of the University’s report concludes: “Promoting sustained economic growth, while at the same time protecting the well-being of the poor, the near poor, and the new poor, is the central challenge for leaders of the United States.”

It takes no great economic wisdom to realize that the way out of our current fiscal morass has to include reductions in expenditures along with increases in revenues. Both entitlements and taxes need to be reformed. As we delay the hard decisions the pain being felt by the poor and near poor in the richest country in the world is real.

Inscribed on a stone panel at the King memorial in Washington are the following words of Dr. King: “I have the audacity to believe that peoples everywhere can have three meals a day for their bodies, education and culture for their minds, and dignity, equality and freedom for their spirits.”

Can we believe?

DADT repealed but the struggle continues

It has been a difficult political year for our nation. Our dysfunctional politics have validated the concerns of columnist and author Tom Friedman who concluded a while ago that we could only adopt sub-optimal solutions for the many serious challenges we face in the 21^st century. It becomes increasingly difficult to be optimistic about the future.

But this week we observed the official end of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell in the military confirming and bolstering my confidence in the ability of our political system to make constructive policy changes consistent with the core values of equality and freedom in our nation. We will no longer discharge members of our military solely because they are gay.

As Admiral Mike Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff stated, “we are a stronger joint force, a more tolerant joint force, a force of more character and honor.”

This marks another significant step forward in our continuing national civil rights debate, but married same-sex couples are still denied benefits available to heterosexual families including spousal health care, equal financial support if a service member makes the ultimate sacrifice, and more.

The road forward will remain contentious. At the Republican Presidential Debate in Orlando a gay soldier serving in Iraq asked a question by video and was booed by members of the audience and treated with disrespect by Senator Santorum who showed his ignorance and bigotry. Live blogging the debate Andrew Sullivan comments:

10.18 pm. Santorum claims bizarrely that repealing DADT means permission for sexual activity for gays in the military. This is a lie. The same rules of sexual misconduct apply to gays and straights alike. And a gay servicemember is booed by this foul crowd. Santorum keeps saying "sex is not an issue." But that's the current policy! This has nothing to do with sex, as Santorum surely knows. And again, the crowd reveals itself as hateful - even when it comes to those serving their country in uniform. This is one core reason why I cannot be a Republican. So many are bigots - and no one - no one - stands up against them. They're a bunch of bullies congratulating themselves on rooting out the queers.

How does one understand the hateful response of so many self-professed patriots to the words of a soldier serving in a combat zone and risking all for our nation?

 We are a better people than this.

 

 

We are a better people than this

Anthony Makk is an Australian trying to become a United States citizen. He and his husband, Bradford Wells have been together for 19 years. Bradford has AIDS and his husband Anthony is his primary caregiver. Anthony who has been in this country legally is being denied consideration for permanent residency because, although he is legally married, his marriage is not recognized nationally because of the Defense of Marriage, a law that the Obama administration argues is unconstitutional. 

I have listed links to articles that provide more details about the plight of Bradford and Anthony. It is clear that if the administration chose, a way could be found to keep these married men together while we continue our political battle over their marriage status. 

http://news.blogs.cnn.com/2011/08/10/caregiver-of-husband-with-aids-facing-split-by-deportation-over-doma/

http://gay.americablog.com/2011/08/to-be-very-clear-obama-administration.html

http://www.hrcbackstory.org/2011/08/domas-consequences-tearing-loving-families-apart/#.TkRQ03Mz3Mk

http://articles.sfgate.com/2011-06-04/news/29619663_1_couples-defense-of-marriage-act-visa-requirements

I don't think I am alone in feeling that as an average citizen I no longer have any meaningful input into the policies of my country. I am not a corporate powerhouse nor do I have the financial resource to allow me to be heard by my elected representatives. But that reality does not deter me from continuing to try in the hopes that others will be of like mind and find the time to express their views. If the White House receives enough emails, letters, or phone calls perhaps just perhaps they will respond positively to plight of one married couple whose primary desire is to continue their lives together.

The White House web site is at: http://www.whitehouse.gov/ There is a link in the upper right hand corner Contact us that will take you to the page on which you can voice your opinion. On that page you can find an address and telephone number. 

I attended a conference in Atlanta, Georgia, a number of years ago in which the Dalia Lama spoke about the issues associated with aging. He spoke of retaining the "freshness of youth" and the ability to still experience "awe" in this world. That also implies the presence of a degree of naivety and idealism. I recognize and own my late life idealism and it motivates me to support causes that rationally seem perhaps hopeless. 

If enough of us and enough of our friends take the time to contact the White House and argue for a compassionate response to the needs of this married couple, perhaps, just perhaps, we can validate the hope that we are a better people than this. 

 

Independence Day 2011

Brent Holloway, in his Sunday column in our local paper, The Spectrum, wrote a deeply moving essay on his relationship with his son noting that on this weekend as we celebrate the birth of our nation, his son is leaving for Afghanistan. He reminds us all of  “the sacrifices of so many who have served.”

His thoughts were still in my mind as I watched Bob Schieffer on Face the Nation. He spoke of the tremendous courage of our Founding Fathers who risked all by signing the Declaration of Independence 235 years ago. He contrasted that memory with what we see in Washington today noting that at a recent CBS News Town Hall he asked Senator Tom Coburn “why the Congress can’t get anything done anymore.”

Coburn stated that the senate has had fewer votes this session than at any time in 25 years. Members are reluctant to take positions on issues because they might have to defend their position in an election thus risking damage to their political careers. “So rather than come up here and do the job and have the courage and the honor to go out and defend your votes, we just don’t vote.” This at a time when our nation faces so many challenges.

While the Washington kabuki dance continues, covered breathlessly by the TV and other media, Brent’s son and thousands of other men and women have the courage and honor to quietly risk all answering the call of our nation. 

 

New York State legalizes same-sex marriage

I sit at my computer with tears flowing down my cheeks. The New York state legislature, with a Republican majority in the Senate, voted tonight to legalize same-sex marriage. The blll was approved by a 33-to29 vote as 4 Republican state senators joined 29 Democrats in voting for the bill. New York joins five states in permitting same sex marriage.

 Hearing the news I was reminded of the following commentary I wrote in 2009 in the midst of Utah debate about gay rights: 

"Victor Frankl was a German psychiatrist who survived the holocaust and wrote powerfully about the spiritual lessons he learned while in the Nazi death camps between 1942 and 1945.  Man’s Search for Meaning, first published in 1959, is one of the classic psychiatric texts of our time. As one reviewer noted, Frankl reminds us of “the responsibility each of us owes in valuing the community of our humanity.”

Frankl asserts that a core drive for humans is our search for meaning. He wrote from the perspective of life in the death camps. My experience is that in our lives we also find meaning in the antithesis of the horrors of the death camps, in those precious moments when we experience spiritual love.

All of this comes to mind as I think about one of those spiritual moments that occurred a few days ago while hiking in a beautiful wash with my wife. We had gone deep into the wash and stopped to rest and listen to the quiet amongst huge boulders that had fallen many millennia ago. She was sitting across from me with the sun reflecting off the rocks giving her face a subtle red glow while the early afternoon sun highlighted her beautiful blond hair. In a scene that could only be described adequately by a poet, which I am not, she was, at that moment, the center of my world and my existence. The love that I feel for this woman after 25 years of marriage is deeply felt but indescribable. The moment passed and we began our walk back to the world, while I continued in the afterglow of my experience.

As we walked I recalled the letter to the editor I had written a few days earlier trying to address the sources of our sexual orientation. I asserted that sexual orientation is not a behavioral issue but it is rooted in our wonderful human encounter with love. Love, that mysterious indefinable process by which we become attracted to other humans and engage in relationships of emotional and physical intimacy, intimacy when at its best has a deep and profound spiritual quality. 

My letter drew the predictable responses online by some unable or uninterested in understanding my argument. The memory of those responses brought me back to another moment I experienced 15 years ago while working as a mental health counselor at an agency in Atlanta, Georgia. We provided services to predominantly young gay men and their families as they struggled with the prospect of premature death from complications related to AIDS. At the time there were no effective medications to counter the effects of this disease.

During an emotionally intense counseling session with a young man, we were exploring aspects of our lives and our mutual experiences of romantic love. At one point he looked at me and said: “George, can you understand that the love that I feel for my partner is not different than that that you feel for your wife?”

In that therapeutic moment, a moment of genuine human intimacy and meaning, the student became the teacher. Reflecting later, I came to understand that in that moment I was confronting the last vestiges of my own homophobia and this man who sat across from me in this quiet room facing his own death had invited me into Victor Frankl's  “community of our humanity.”

As state legislatures consider the bills extending legal protections for gay and transgender couples, can they think beyond the narrow private sexual behavioral issues that dominate the debate to the more important issues of human relationships and love?" 

And so this evening, the progress continues.

 

Enough is Enough

David Frum has a blog entry attempting to understand the people who might support Donald Trump. He describes the feelings of a mythical 62 year old white guy who has been battered by recent events. I clearly don't fit that description but I am a bit riled up.

I'm a 75-year-old white guy who worked for a company for 28 years before it went bankrupt in 1991. The bankruptcy was a mess and a significant part of my retirement resources went down the drain. At 55 I had skills that were not marketable. My wife went back to work and I returned to college finishing my Bachelor's degree and earning a Masters and post-Masters while training for a new late life career. We survived the .com bust and the housing bust, but we both still work in our own small business.

Throughout this time, we were demeaned and stigmatized by the radio talk show hosts who made millions making liberal a dirty word. And now we have a Republican party home to the advocates of war (two of my grandsons are in the military), advocates of guns in every home, believers in the mantra that government is the problem, defenders of the resources of the wealthy, and generally macho guys and gals who with a few exceptions dare not challenge the inanities of the faux conservative talk show millionaires who feed the Tea Party patriots’ anger.

Now along comes the Republican Party passing the Ryan budget. Should I feel grateful that the Social Security and health care my wife and I benefit from is protected at a significant cost to younger generations? Pray tell, what do I say to my adult offspring, my 14 grandchildren and my two great-grandchildren? “Sorry, I’ve got mine you’ll have to fend for yourselves.” How could I justify supporting a program that does away with Medicare without any serious attempt to reduce health care costs, putting in jeopardy their senior years?

As importantly, what do I say to myself, nearing the end of my life as I wrestle with what Erik Erikson identified as the eight crises? Do I look back and believe that I lived a life of integrity or do I despair because my generation and I squandered the money that has been borrowed for the last 30 or more years as we selfishly took care of ourselves with little regard for the future of our progeny?

Or, do I continue raising at least one small voice supporting policies that may help create a better future for those that I love?

 

Anxiety about the future

At no time in my life, with the exception of perhaps during WWII when I was child, have I felt so much anxiety about the future of our nation. I believe we made a fundamental mistake in the seventies when we chose to ignore the threat posed by our dependence on foreign oil and continued our energy wasting ways. Today given all of the disruptions in northern Africa and the Middle East, we find ourselves extremely vulnerable to oil price increases particularly given the deterioration of our relationship with Saudi Arabia. The monarchy has the power to double world oil prices in a short time if they become displeased with our support of democracy for their country or for Bahrain. I am sure that that is a reality that our policy makers are aware of and it will influence decisions we make about the turmoil in that part of the world, decisions that might necessarily compromise some of our fundamental national values.

More serious, in my mind, is the growing national debt that we are accumulating and, unlike past years, foreign governments, including China, hold nearly 50% of that debt. Will we three to five years from now be wringing our hands about either a market response to our growing indebtedness that may be devastating to our economy or to a power play by one or more of our debt holders. 

It is past time for our government to address this issue, but instead we have what I characterize as a political kabuki dance taking place in Washington where we ignore the difficult existential problem and argue about minutia. 

We have the recommendations of two serious panels, the president's Debt Commission and the Rivlin/Domenici Bipartisan Policy Center that have presented clearly the issues and the alternatives. In a functioning political system these reports could form the basis for a serious discussion leading to policies that might begin to strengthen our nation. However in our dysfunctional system, where everyone is always campaigning, there is no time to govern effectively and the nation continues on its path to fiscal chaos. 

I believe history will judge my generation very unfavorably when compared to the Greatest Generation and I fear that we are leaving a world for my grandchildren that is one in which the United States is unable to effectively compete as other nations grow and develop. 

That doesn't have to be our future, but we are fast running out of time and resources to avoid what now seems almost inevitable.